Disturbance

I have been silent for a very long time. Ever since I graduated college, my interactions with the media quickly tottered off until I published nothing for months. Soon, I began to feel this sort of obligation to post. To create. To perform. Bo Burnham captures this problem phenomenally well in his show Make Happy. Our culture of social media demands us to constantly perform to each other all the time—and when that obligation is not met there is some sort of guilt. Thankfully, I have been able to take a step back without too much guilt, and I realized that it was important for me to do so.

If I am to be honest, this transition in life has been difficult for me. I expected my life after college to go a very different direction. And there was a significant chunk of time in which I was not optimistic about my future, and that I had serious doubts about if my life was planned by Providence, or that it was just the luck of the draw.

I take the content I post on social media very seriously. I do not post very often, and I try to post content that would be worth somebody’s time. Unfortunately I did not have this philosophy when I started my Facebook a decade or so ago. I have posted poop. Actual defecated matter, just put into binary code. And when Facebook has me “look back at your memories” or, “look back at how much of a despicable idiot you were”; it doesn’t even let me delete my mind boggling idiotic posts anymore. It’s almost as if it is telling me, “Nope, you have to live with yourself. You cannot part of your past, even in virtual reality.”

I’ve digressed. My point is that I had no idea where my life was going or how I felt about it. I felt as if I was sailing on a boat with no particular destination in mind, with a compass that doesn’t point north. Apart from that being a main reason for not posting or blogging, AT&T did not hesitate at putting me to work. All the work has been phenomenal. My work there has been enjoyable and I have developed a passion that I never new existed. Who knew that even after spending four years learning about myself in college, I still yet continue to learn about myself.

Now my schedule is getting normalized. Well, I should say that I am getting skilled enough to keeping my days to 8-10 hour days as opposed to 14. I’m finally getting over the learning curve and I am less tired when I get home. So naturally, when I have more energy and time, I tend to interact with other folks on media in very intentional ways. I tend to create more—whether that be through photography or WordPress. I also tend to have a more healthy, complete, and balanced life.

So this is me coming back to the keyboard, to satisfy the eternal itch. The itch that will never be silenced. I have finally reached a place where I can reach out, speak, and discourse. For me, I know my existence is always doing something more than work—it’s doing the art that gives me the most meaning, which is writing. So I will be publishing whenever I can. Mostly to satisfy the itch. However, I hope some may find enjoyment in the pieces of myself that I leave here. This blog continues to be an elastic text with no promises. Only way that would happen is if I did this for a living, which only a small select lucky few get to do. My luck in the game Monopoly is pretty good, but I do not think it transfers over to real life very well.

So if you have spent some of your time reading this, thanks. Time is precious. I hope that the things I have to say here are worth that gift. My hope for these posts is to help me process the challenges of life and what it means to be human. And maybe, just maybe, over time this can amount to something more precise and less fragmented. But like me, this blog is sporadic with no continuity, and strives to say something that it secretly knows it really cannot due to a lack of vernacular and nomenclature. But also like me, this blog will—whenever it has the energy—give everything its got to give language to our humanness.

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